Best Free Ways To Fix Communication Problems In Relationship
The heart of every relationship is the communication system that the partners build over time, this is very basic and almost everyone in a relationship knows this fact. However not everyone understands the dynamics of communication and the power it has to make or break, so I personally refer to communication as the “The Pillar”. Normally, before a relationship begins, you seem to have a lot to talk about, everyone is so interested in what the other person has to say and time flies so fast between 12am to 5am if you know what I am referring to. You never stop talking to each other, no, you just cannot stop. You have so much to share and learn at the same time. You just want to keep the bond.
Now the question is, why do lovers, business partners, friends and relatives hate to even talk to each other? The worst part of this development is not the communication break down but why the communication has broken down. Many partners simply do not have reasons because they just can’t figure it out. I must say I do not know all the reasons too but I do know that, there are more reasons why some marriages and relationships are not working, and honestly there are some cases we simply do not know because if you look at those relationships, everything looks too good for that kind of union to collapse; recently, a couple divorced and according to them, the reason was “NOTHING”, the woman said it was nothing and guess what? The man said nothing from what the wife said. So apparently “NOTHING” malformed that beautiful relationship. you do not have to take it from me, take it from them. We surely cannot interrogate all the reasons people opt out of relationships but what I do know is communication is one major area misunderstanding and conflicts erupt and sometimes end badly because most people do not know how to handle verbal conflicts, in other words bad communication in relationship.
We do not all have to be experts to know improper communication methods is to blame for some of the mess in the collapse of beautiful relationships both business and romantic. There are broken relationships causing needless avoidable pains and a lot of financial loss all because one party said one WORD the other party misunderstood or did not take time to appreciate. Sometimes, it is just our inability or reluctance to communicate in plain words simply because we are tired of trying. People are just done talking because we do not know how to make communication work.
Most times you never get to talk much these days for the simple reason that even if you talked would your partner listen. Well this is the reason for this post. This may not bring solutions to all the problems but it will surely bring clarity to the subject and help you navigate this complex issue. There are ways to overcome such complications in communication, here are few suggestions;
Ø know the principles of talking and listening.
Ø Resolve conflicts through constructive measures without blame games.
Ø Changing your perspective without prejudice.
You need to understand the place of verbal communication in our daily activities; our whole existence consists of interactions. Your ability to understand the dynamics of good communication would enrich your relationship greatly.
PRINCIPLES OF TALKING AND LISTENING
We often assume that if two or more people are exchanging words they are talking, wrong. That could be right sometimes but not entirely all the time, two people exchanging words is not communication at all. Talking and listening is a complex act and it is an art that takes deliberate effort to learn and to master. It is a two-way street that involves giving and receiving processed information in both verbal and nonverbal methods. To this two-fold process, the two parties should understand the setup of each other and make use of timely suiting methods of communication.
Frequently, we think we understand what the other person is saying; but many times, what we hear is not what it is meant. We do not want our partners to only listen to what we have to say but the whole purpose of saying something is just so the recipient can understand what you are trying to say. Understanding is not even the final stage of communication, it is actually for your partner to understand what you are saying first, so you can come to the point you agree to what is on the table and actually come to an understanding about the execution of same, that is communicate. We talk, we listen, we process. This is the point you decide to agree or disagree depending on the appreciation you have on a subject.
TALKING
Most of us need to make deliberate effort to speak as politely to our partners and family as we do to our friends. Familiarity leads to neglect and disregard and sometimes, disrespect in the area of our talk is not even considered offensive until we are walking to the divorce court or walking by the casket and wish for second chances to do things differently. Your choice of words is all people use to make up their minds about you. What you say is a direct reflection of what you think and what you think is what you manifest.
There are basic human code of decency we all live by, starting from respect in the area of our talk; it is for that reason we are taught from the first stages of our lives as soon as we are able to learn our first two words, these words are “thank you”. We learn very early in our lives to be polite so what happened? Some people have lost interviews that were designed to change their lives and promote them to their greatness but for few wrong words at the right place they missed and they have never had the second chance to right the wrong.
Ask yourself these simple questions and answer them to the best of your deep thinking without emotions or self defense;
Ø Does my speech sting with sarcasm?
Ø Do I talk straight and state what I really mean?
Ø Do I show interest in what my partner says?
One of the most effective ways to speak is to be firm and plain. Particularly, when you feel irritated with some things your partner does, rather than responding with hostile words and actions. Our response to many of the questions that we are asked in our day-to-day life especially in the home with the people closest to us are in fact not directly related to the answers we give but what we feel. Most times you may be upset with things that your partner is not really paying attention to. In these moments, what you feel is what you must communicate. An example; “Am so sorry I couldn’t do what we agreed on, I had a really rough day, I promise to get it done as soon as I can”,
Compare these two reactions from two different partners;
Example no 1: “you are too inconsiderate!
All I do is to kill myself for you; and you never think of me but yourself.
You are selfish. All you want to do is what makes you feel good.
Just this simple thing we both agreed you will do too you couldn’t do.
Am sick and tired of this whole relationship”.
Example no 2: “I am really disappointed you couldn’t do this, we need to think about what to do next to get this done, am so unhappy with this development. I was really expecting this, but what happened?”
Partner no 1; Blames, judges and almost insult the partner, partner 1 gives ammunition for an argument and would probably do so; the natural response would be more stubborn and defensive than before.
Partner no 2; tells only how they feel, a fact the other partner can hardly argue with.
If you remind your partner in an accusing manner that he or she has plenty time to keep up with friends and do unnecessary things but has no time to commit to you and whatever you both agreed on, even if you are right, you would probably not get great outcome. You make accusations even without taking into account what the other person had gone through on the said date, partner one accuses the other of being inconsiderate but in their response they do exactly that same thing they are complaining about. They do not care to know what happened all they want is for the other party to hold up to their agreements, but do not even care to know what actually happened?
A direct sincere report of feelings would ease the situation when things happen over and over again, you must be realistic however, that if you subject your partner to a situation they have complained about many times without any changes, they would soon not care about the explanations you give because you have made it a habit to disappoint, so yes, emotions would erupt like an active volcano. It happens naturally and that is a place you do not want to take your partner. Every human being would react no matter how understanding or considerate they may be.
In case your partner still engages in neglect and lack of responsibility, you report your personal feeling with caution but without insults or judgments and without telling them what to do; “as if the other partner cannot think”. We often underestimate the willingness of our partners to be more considerate. If you really want to have your feelings recognized, you must continually communicate. However, you might want to change your communication method;
Choose the right time to communicate with your partner:
Your subject may be well taken but your timing may be off. There might be a lot on your mind you may want to share or complain about but please do not unload just as you see your partner come through the door after a hectic day, it may go wrong as soon as you start or your partner may pretend to be listening but may not hear a single word of all you are saying. Select a time your partner can respond pleasantly.
Tone down your pitch when speaking:
It is not always what you say but how you say it that counts. It is soothing to be around someone with a soft, tranquil, calm voice. If you want your mate to enjoy the sound of your voice, make sure you are easy to listen to. If your tone is not right, it would soon irritate and your partner would soon have no choice than to stop listening.
Be clear and specific:
Misunderstandings arise from muddled talk. Try to think as you speak and state clearly what you mean. Clarity is everything especially when it is not a casual conversation but you want to get specific messages across. You may not want to speak in proverbs or zigzagging your thoughts around what you really feel.
Be positive:
In many homes, about 80 percent of all communications are negative. These families become used to hearing fault-finding, blaming, judging, name calling and other negative elements that such behaviors become normal. Be more positive and appreciative and less negative. Just try.
Be courteous and respectful of your partner’s opinions:
You can be respectful even when you really do not agree. Care as much about the comfort of your partner as about your own. If any selfish intent are detected, things might not end well, after all, it is not all about your.
Be sensitive to the needs and feelings of your partner:
Develop patience and sensitivity in responding to what your partner says. If your partner hurts, you must understand their heart and even hurt with them. Tune into the needs and sentiments of anger, despair, and anxiety of your loved ones. Likewise, if they are happy about a new development, enjoy their happiness with them and make sure both of you are in the moment.
